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1. Shozo Shimazaki on October 30th, 2008 at 6:44 am

   Joes Knows
   by Shozo Shimazaki

   As many of you know who have been following the Presidential campaigns, there has been a lot of attention given to certain…Joes. There was Joe the Plumber. And you may ask, whatever happened to Joe Six-Pack? No need to fear, both Joes will not be ignored by either candidate.

   I must give credit to the candidates since they are talking about Joe, and not talking about Warren, Donald, or Bill. After all, Warren Buffet is your quintessential Wallstreeter, not like all of us Mainstreeters and Hockey moms, right? I mean, Warren the Plumber? No way. And Donald? Donald Trump doesn’t own a six-pack. If anything, he owns six towers and casinos. Donald Six-Pack? I don’t think so. I highly doubt Donald has a six-pack under all that “real” hair. The only pack Donald has is one for sale at his casino called his “Weekend Gambling Pack.” And Bill? I’m sure Bill Gates does not do any kind of plumbing. Bill the Plumber? Hmm. However, I guess you “could” say that Bill…does Windows.

   However, to be honest, there are so many other Joes out there that have been left out. C’mon. What about them? Who is looking out for them? It is a great travesty that so many of us Joes are overlooked by our politicians who are both promising change. For example, consider all these Joes. Country Joe McDonald. “What about me? I’m sitting here in the country, our Heartland, singing country songs, and there ain’t nobody caring for me. If this keeps up, I’m gonna do something drastic. I’m gonna stop singing Country songs and start singing…Billy Idol. Yeah,…’Don’t you, forget about me.’” And what about, Mean Joe Green. He is extra mean these days since no one mentioned him. And Joe Montana sitting there in Montana. Joe Washington in Washington. And of course, I am so surprised that they haven’t given any attention to the most all-american Joe of all, G.I.Joe! “Yeah, what about me?” They would probably reply, “Oh, sorry. We thought you were happy after we made G.I.Jane.” And there are all kinds of other Joes out there. Joe Gargiola. Trader Joes. “My cup of Joe” every morning. And, of course, there is the Joe that one would think is the most common one of all…Joe Smith. After all, he is Joe…Smith, of all surnames. But, no. Joe Smith made millions playing professional basketball. I don’t think he needs any extra attention. But, hey. There is another important Joe out there. There is one all-important Joe that has been completely ignored. This Joe is truly a symbol of the common man, more than Joe the Plumber and more than Joe Six-Pack. It is…Sloppy Joe. Yes. We can all identify with sloppy. So many of us are like this Joe. And neither candidate has said anything about supporting Sloppy Joe. Poor Sloppy Joe. No one has turned his head twice, even to look at your two buns.

   So, there you have it. But, I don’t want to criticize and stop there. Let me demonstrate what the candidates should actually say, “I am going to fight for the American people. All those Joe Six-Packs out there. You know the ones. You Joe the Plumbers. Country Joe McDonalds. Mean Joe Greens. G.I.Joes. And all of you Sloppy Joes. Because:

   (singing)
   Don’t you Forget about me
   Don’t Don’t Don’t Don’t
   Bwanng. Bwaaaaaang(synthetic musical sounds)
   We Won’t Forget About You

   Will I stand above you?
   Look your way and never love you
   Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
   Down, down, down
   Bwanng. Bwaaaaaang(synthetic musical sounds)

   Would I recognise you?
   Call your name-JOE!- or walk on by
   Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
   Down, down, down

   Say it ain’t so, Joe.
   No, I know so, Joe!
   Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling.

   (speaking)
   Thank you Joe America.
   Because…
   You are all so full of Joe!

   Yes. No doubt.
   This is the speech that will, all by itself, win the election!

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